Coulda Woulda Shoulda
by polynesia
Summary: Oddly enough, a Death NotexxxHolic xover in which Yagami Light learns that you can't get something for nothing...


A/N: A Death Note x xxxHolic crossover. Oh, how I love crack. XD Actually, this little bit of it wasn't entirely my fault. It was requested by one of my friends. We came up with the basic idea together...and then she had me write it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note or xxxHolic. If I did, then there would be no chapter 58 of DN, and Watanuki would no longer live alone.

Warnings: Crack... If you haven't read up to Misa Misa, then a bit of spoileriness. Um...italics abuse by Watanuki...but you're all used to that, right?

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Coulda Woulda Shoulda 

"Wai! Watanuki's angry!"

"Angry!"

"Angry!"

Watanuki spun around, brandishing his dripping spoon like a sword. "Of _course_ I'm angry! I get no respect and _no reprieve_ in this shop! This is the second time in _two days_ that I'm being forced to bake cookies, and yesterday the customer didn't even _eat them_! He just stacked them up around his tea like…like they were legos or something! I can't _believe_ anyone could be so _rude_!"

"Maybe," a voice drawled from the next room, "There are more important uses for food than eating."

Watanuki went back to his mixing bowl, muttering darkly under his breath about Yuuko-san and her customers' utterly _deplorable_ manners…until a singularly odd feeling seemed to seep into the room. He paused for a moment in his work, trying to coax the shivers running up and down his spine away. "Yuuko…san?" he murmured softly. He turned slightly to gaze through the doorway of the kitchen and catch his employer's eyes.

"Stay in the kitchen, Watanuki."

He obeyed her order, taking a step backwards into the countertop, but he couldn't seem to pry his eyes away from the door. Something was coming...something dangerous.

The door cracked, and then creaked open (Was it louder than usual? Or did it just seem that way because he was afraid?) to reveal a boy who could not be much older than he was himself. While obviously intelligent, he seemed ordinary enough. Watanuki allowed himself to relax just a little bit at the boy's disarming smile and polite greeting. Just as he was shifting to return to his work, however, a second form appeared in the doorway. And it was anything but ordinary. A spindly thing, it loomed several feet higher than the boy and malicious eyes bulged out of a face tinged with blue. It obviously noticed the petrified Watanuki, because it gave him a grin with _far_ too many teeth.

A sharp squeak could be heard as Watanuki scrambled to get as far away as possible from the hulking beast, and the shivers came back tenfold. He was just about to go into his normal reaction for such surprises when the little girls on either side of him both put a warning hand on his arms. They both shook their heads solemnly and then fixed their eyes on the boy in the front room.

Yuuko looked the boy over with narrowed eyes. "Yagami Light, I take it? I've been expecting you." She stood rigid as she waited for the boy to take his seat on a nearby chair. Watanuki noted with some interest that, when he finally moved to do so, the monster standing behind him moved to follow. Couldn't they separate?

Light smiled at Yuuko again, but his eyes were calculating. "You really must be the Dimension Witch..." he murmured, shaking his head as if in disbelief.

Yuuko's eyes trailed over to the monster behind Light, and she frowned slightly. "Watanuki? Please fetch the basket of apples next to the sink. Yagami-kun...why have you come?" she asked, but with the authority of one who already knew.

Tripping over his own feet, Watanuki made his way into the room, carrying the basket carefully while trying to keep his face directed away from Light…and the monster. He set them onto the table, and then backed away until he was safely behind Yuuko.

Light looked from the apples to the woman in front of him, and the smile slipped from his face. "I want a name."

"I thought as much."

Yuuko moved to sit across the table from him, and Watanuki quickly followed, standing behind her. He couldn't help but notice that he and the monster shared the same position…but surely the boy couldn't be the _monster's_ master... Watanuki finally really looked at him, realizing all at once whom he should really be afraid of. Suddenly the grim look on Light's face scared him far more than the toothy grin on the monster's. He gripped his apron tightly in his hands, and willed the transaction to be over.

Yuuko leaned on one hand and said quite seriously, "Before I give you the name you seek...I must ask what you plan on doing with it. If you truly plan on writing it in this shinigami's notebook...then the price will be high."

_Shinigami?_ Watanuki felt another little thrill of fear go through him.

"Why?" Light asked, leaning forward in his seat, "What's in a name, after all?"

Yuuko straightened just the slightest bit before replying, "With the knowledge of a person's name, one can lay hold of a piece of the person's soul. You know this well, Yagami-kun."

Watanuki started a bit at the familiar words. A piece of the person's soul? Was this the sort of thing that Yuuko had been warning him against so long ago? A shinigami and a name...who _was_ this person?

Without warning, Light began to laugh, a chilling sound that Watanuki knew that he would never forget. "That's true! The one thing I want more than anything is to lay hold of that person's soul…and snuff it out."

Once again, Yuuko frowned disapprovingly. "If that is your wish, are you willing to pay the price?" she asked severely.

Light's eyes lit up with a peculiar sort of gleam as he nodded. "Yes. Anything."

With this, Yuuko looked past him to the grinning shinigami. "Shinigami-san, would you care for an apple? What I'm about to say concerns you, after all."

The shinigami gave a grating chuckle and leaned over Light's shoulder to take one. "Don't mind if I do."

Light glanced from the shinigami back to Yuuko. "Ryuk? How does he have anything to do with this?" he asked, suspicion rising in his voice.

Yuuko smirked at him coyly. "Simple. As a fee, I require your Death Note."

Light opened his mouth to reply, but she cut him off. "_Both_ of them."

Ryuk cackled again at this, spraying bits of apple all over the floor that Watanuki had _just_ cleaned. "_I_ don't mind, but he'll have to clear that up with his girlfriend first."

It was hard to say if Light was going to be able to clear anything up at this point as he was turning a queer shade of red and appeared to be grinding his teeth.

Still smirking, Yuuko asked, "So, Yagami-kun? Are you willing to pay my fees?"

Without a word, Light rose to his feet and walked out the door, letting it slam shut without care.

Yuuko slumped in her seat, much the way she had been before the ordeal. "Mou...I was _this_ close to owning my own... Such a rare treasure lost. Watanuki! I need a drink!"

"Sake _now_? How can you think of drinking at a time like--" Watanuki was halfway through his usual tirade before he noticed that the shinigami had not yet left his place behind the chair, but was instead staring at him intently.

Grinning more widely than ever, the shinigami bent in half over the chair and swept the basket of apples up into his arms. Before he straightened, he leered up at Watanuki and rasped out a final laugh. "Don't worry, four-eyes. I'm the one pulling the strings in this relationship."

With that, he made his way out the door.

"_Watanuki, sake!_"

xxxxx

Watanuki set down a tray of sake and snacks and glanced at the door. "Yuuko-san…those apples?"

She gave him that mysterious smile that he was far too used to and took a sip of her drink. "Payment for taking up such a prominent creature's time."

He swallowed hard. "And…that boy?"

"Do you watch the news, Watanuki?"

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A/N: Feedback is always greatly appreciated... Also, as to what L was doing there...use your imagination. ;D Keep in mind, though, that considering who the parties in question are, it could have just been a social event... 


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